Death Prep:
An extra post: Nerves. Tears. Morbid levity. "Fecund detail."
My death sentence is different than yours. But we’re all on the path. Memento mori.
I have been thinking about a cheery opening for this piece….and there it is!
I am not on the verge of death — as far as I know. I am in pain, but not from my cancer — as far as I know. It’s my butt! It hurts like mad — butt and thighs — because, after several years of bliss in my rear end, I am enjoying a fiery revival of nerve pain. Sciatica 2 — The Resurgence. (Searing reviews so far.)
Knives in my flesh. Fire. Blowtorch. Lower back. And both legs.
My PT, Steve, smiled today when I told him it was like there were twenty tiny elves, or hobbits, underneath me, thrusting their tiny swords into my thighs. I guess he liked the imagery. (Maybe it should be: Sciatica 2: Cauldron of Fire.)
Anyway, this is almost comical to me: here I am with a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis, which is Kind of a Big Deal — and the Sovereign Lord decides I could use a posterior knife-and-blowtorch attack. I guess He figures I need a distraction from the other stuff.
But on to Death!
As I wrote recently — my most-read post by far…
… it’s wise to keep our final destination fixed in our minds. To think about how to be ready. I have admired the gracious and brave and even joyful way former Senator Ben Sasse is handling the approach of death. (See the link above. Or just Google Ben Sasse cancer.)
So, yeah, I thought some death talk might be appropriate after my last essay.
*****
I have enjoyed Woody Allen’s musings on death for years.
He’s against it.
And haunted by it. “I am not afraid of death,” he said. “I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Life, he said, is a “meaningless little flicker.” It’s random and tragic. Great. Sad.
Way back in ‘77, Allen was a practicing nihilist. But, of course, a humorous nihilist. A favorite quote:
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
I don’t know if he still sees life (and death) that way. He doesn’t answer my calls.
(Kidding.)
*****
Allen’s grim analysis actually does sound a bit like the Bible — at least the book of Ecclesiastes. Chapter 9:
The living at least know they will die, but the dead know nothing. They have no further reward, nor are they remembered. Whatever they did in their lifetime—loving, hating, envying—is all long gone. (Ecclesiastes 9:5-6 NLT)
Well, that’s cheery. Fortunately, that bit of hard reality is not all the Bible says about death. Not by a long shot.
*****
That Bible quote sounds rather like what the late Christopher Hitchens might say.
The brilliantly acerbic Brit was a powerful wordsmith; I loved his stuff. You should read him. He was a devout atheist, full of fire and wit in his debates with Christian intellectuals. He died of cancer in 2011. The year before he died, he was asked by a debater about his health.
Well, I’m dying, since you asked. So are you, but I’m doing it faster and in more rich and fecund detail.
I had to pick myself up off the floor. The man was a genius. Whether his after-death-life is going well, I can’t say. I can only hope to have my wits about me in this way in my final days.
*****
Actually, Ben Sasse is equally sharp and having fun — can I say that? Can you have fun with your cancer? Um. Well, Sasse told the Times interviewer, Ross Douthat, that the real advances in treating (curing?) cancer will come years after Sasse is gone.
Douthat: OK. So, you’re not worried about a scenario where you do all these interviews and then you have to come back on this podcast in five years and explain why you’re still alive?
Sasse: Oops, I lived. April Fools! [Laughs.]
I think my kids might have that fear, frankly.
God bless Ben Sasse.
*****
I’ll close with this. (It’s good.)
Some years ago, Harvard Law Professor William Stuntz died of colon cancer. The New York Times said he was “one of the most influential legal scholars of the past generation.” Stuntz was a believer, convinced he would go to Christ at death.
I want to quote Stuntz a few times here. Listen. (From a couple of different sources).
“It's a real mercy to know that I will die soon. Many people die suddenly, wholly unexpectedly, without any opportunity to prepare.”
[How has cancer, and its pain, changed you for the better?]
“I have become less arrogant, less confident of my own judgments and insights, and better at listening to others. As a result, I've become a better husband and father than I was. I love better than I did before. I am certain that's true in my family, and maybe even generally beyond my family. I think I am actually better at my job.”
“I would have thought that the knowledge that I am very likely in my last year of life would lead me to dwell on the dying. A certain amount of that is unavoidable. Death hangs in the air. It's as though I am living with an hourglass right in front of my face. You cannot look away from it. You cannot close your eyes to it. It's always there. But actually I think it has led me to dwell more on the living. It sounds really trite to say that things that seemed like very small matters seem really precious to me now. It's no novel thought -- but, in my case, it really is true…. I have always enjoyed my wife's cooking, and always enjoyed eating good food at a restaurant. But not the way I enjoy it now. I just love eating something good at a time when it really appeals to me.”
[Rob: Yes! I have been finding that small things are precious — and that food is conspicuously delicious! ]
[ Finally from Stuntz: ]
“The worst day in human history was the day of Christ’s crucifixion, which saw the worst possible punishment inflicted on the One who, in all history, least deserved it. Two more sunrises and the Son rose: the best day in human history, the day God turned death itself against itself—and because he did so, each one of us has the opportunity to share in death’s defeat.”
*****
End of extra post for this week. Think about death, and how to prepare. You can’t go wrong with Christ. See ya.
Sorry for your physical and mental suffering. My father's battle with cancer dragged on for years with his final year being the worst. He was so weak and had no control. He lost a lot of weight and was almost unrecognizable. He started listening to gospel music while waiting to die. He wanted to die and end his own suffering. He welcomed death. Cancer is a terrible way to die. Laws should allow terminal patients and their families to ease suffering. Prayers for you and your family.
Thank you for the extra post, thought provoking as always but I want to say something about your sciatica pain. 6 weeks or so ago the pain started and what a pain it was. That, coupled with my arthritic knees has me on the verge of tears many times. I'm just finishing up with 4 weeks of PT AND....for the most part, it's gone. Oh the knees still hurt like the dickens at times but that back pain shooting down my legs is gone. Hoping, no, praying you experience the same results. God bless.