Not liking this life
A special Saturday post. A short rant.
I suppose I shouldn’t do this.
I don’t like life right now. It’s a stink-fest. You hear me?
Is that okay to say?
I’m just being honest with you. Something is grinding and grey inside me. The cancer. My butt and legs are on fire from spinal stenosis, and the shots I got don’t seem to be working.
I might have to cancel our Alaska trip in August if I can’t walk well enough.
Sorry. Unloading this on you. I’m sorry.
But man, this is a mess. I’m sleeping in the recliner. Angela has to do all the grunt work around the house.
Also, it occurs to me now and then — a lot, actually — that if the averages play out, I won’t have a lot more time in this world with Angela. That makes me — I can’t say. I have enough tears lately. I look at her and cry sometimes.
Where is my faith in all this?
Fortunately, praise God, it’s still there. Jesus is “the bread of life” and believe me, I’m chewing every day. I am satisfied. Most of the time. I think of Him, the one who comes between me and the righteous wrath of God and absorbs what I deserve — this is standard Christian doctrine, folks — the One who absolves me, pardons and exonerates me, and promises me glory with Him — and I am satisfied and cheered up and running, internally, on the highest octane possible, filled to the brim, fat and happy, and, you know, as Peter said, rejoicing “with a glorious, inexpressible joy.”
Okay. Rant over. Nothing wrong with tears. More coffee — fourth cup…
To say, "I'm sorry," just doesn't feel adequate enough. I sympathize with you. While I've been spared much of what you've been experiencing, over the past couple years, my physical health has been, shall we say, on the downside. I had a spinal fusion in 2007, and it's been without major complaints. The vertebra above has slid forward and at my age, the surgery for that is largely out of the question.
I have developed some neurological issues, unrelated to my back, that have me a bit concerned, but not much I can do about it. My own mortality and what I and who I leave behind go through my thoughts often. Like you, I lean on my faith. Here are some thoughts that help me:
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:34
"Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7
There are many more, which I'm certain you know, but hopefully these help as they have helped me. Stay strong, I was will keep you in my prayers.
I’m so sorry, I can relate to the spinal stenosis. It’s painful and the shots didn’t work for me either. I’m hoping a spinal fusion will get me walking again so I can do a mission trip to Costa Rica in January. God willing!